Forward Progress

So I have been meaning to post something on here for a couple months now, but something about tonight made me sit down and really want to write.

It sure has been crazy here..it's hard to even know where to start. The end of the year brought many things for me, but most of all it has given me a better understanding of life and of people. There were many deaths in the last two months of this year and it was definitely a very trying time for everyone. It's funny how death makes you think about so many people in your life and about your relationships with them. You never know when someone is going....so you have to treat people the way you want them to remember you. I wish I would have really taken this into account at some critical points in my life, but that is something that I will live with.

My car troubles have seemed endless. First the Oldsmobile was totaled last year, then the Buick rotting out from the axles up, and then the blue bomber's engine being shot....it was difficult and frustrating. This time last week I had no idea what I was going to do, not having a car. And then I was blessed to find my Forenza. I really don't know how I managed to find a 2005 with onyl 112,000 miles on it, but I did, and with the help of my dad, I was able to purchase it. There are a few minor things that are getting fixed right now, but I will have it by the end of the week when I go home for my birthday. It feels good to know that I actually bought myself a car, and it's only 6 years old, and I am going to have it for a long time. (Does that mean I am growing up? Haha.) It's a great feeling, becoming more and more independent.

I've also completed another semester at Western. This one was especially hard. I took a dangerous cocktail of required classes that everyone said I was crazy for cramming into one semester, but I came out with a good GPA and was very pleased with myself. I know I can do it...but I also know I could have done better. The distractions in my life were a little overwhelming, and that is something I need to figure out this semester, and quick. My main problem is that I don't manage time well like I used to. I usually have exceptional organizational and time management skills, but with all the things that happened, I feel like I lost them. Time to rediscover the productive and efficient girl I used to be.

I'm really excited to move forward in both FMA and SPO. I was promoted to the Creative Director of the Food Marketing Association, and I rushed last semester for Sigma Phi Omega. I was also elected to be secretary of the fraternity and I am really liking the position so far. I am so glad that I decided to rush...I have made so many new friends in SPO and also gotten closer to old friends. I feel like I am really a part of something that is useful and meaningful to me, and that has been the greatest reward yet. This semester should be great...we already have a lot of career development, sports, and community service events planned and being able to do all of it and with a great group of friends has really added a lot of value and purpose to my life. :)

Aaron has also played a pretty big role in my life since August. We've been dating for almost four months now...it seems like the time has flown. The one thing I appreciate the most about having him in my life is how much fun we have together. Given all of the activities I am involved in and having two jobs, we somehow find time to just enjoy eachother's company. I feel like at this point in my life, that is truly a Godsend. He kind of holds me all together and makes me feel like I can actually accomplish all of the crazy mess of things I take on at school. Even if we are sitting at home at my parent's house, he makes me smile. Laughter is so important, and we laugh together, everyday. While I know laughter isn't the sole foundation of a lasting relationship, true happiness with another person is...and I think laughter is a damn good start. :) With that said, I am looking forward to seeing where things go in the future, but for now, I am just sticking to dating. I kind of rushed into my last relationship, and while it grew into a marriage and lasted 5 years, it ended regretably. At this point, testing the waters is the farthest I am willing to go, because I don't want to repeat the mistakes I made. Plus I am still young...and I have no idea where my path is going. The possibilities after graduation are endless...so many of my friends from Food/CPG Marketing are all over the country, and I am excited to see where my journey takes me. I can't restrict myself to any individual place or person at this point...I just have to wait and see.

Progress

I have to say this week has so-far been a whirlwind. Getting back into the swing of school and the balancing act of that, homework, work, and extra curriculars has gotten me back on my toes. Summer was a mixed bag of new experiences, adventure, relaxation, and new beginning. It's great knowing that I can make that transition back into 'serious' quite seamlessly...although I do have a few cups of coffee to thank for that being accomplished. Bring it on, senior year :)

I've been meaning to write about it, but I have also met this incredible guy :) And I think that has me really excited. I know that part of moving on is finding someone new, and he has truly made me feel like I can love again. After everything was said and done, I told myself that I wasn't going to date. Not that I don't like dating, but I wanted to give myself enough time to heal and to work on my own issues. I guess what they say is right...when you aren't looking for something, that is the time that it wll fall right on your lap. While I am still cautious, I am so happy that he is in my life. When he tells me I am beautiful I just get butterflies in my stomach :) And when I see a text or call from him, I can't help but smile. And my mom likes him....go figure :) I am really looking forward to spending more time with him and seeing where it goes.

In all seriousness though, I feel like I am making progress-not only in coming closer to my degree but emotionally and mentally. I came from a dark place in my mind and in my heart, and had little hope in moving on and moving forward. I realize that it was a part of my process. Everyone has a process, and I think that I've figured mine out. My road is long and some spots aren't paved. It winds, it dips, it turns, it climbs, it weaves, and it sometimes is so unrecognizable that I run the risk of losing my way. But if I can cross that road and become a better person because of it, that is progress. And that is what I strive for. Emerson said that "Progress is the activity of today and the assurance of tomorrow." And I completely agree. The world changes constantly....and we as people have to adapt and pave our way. We must determine it, and then fight for it. And I am a fighter.

Going

So I have decided that the heading for this blog, the T.S. Elliot quote, is more applicable than ever. I feel that in these recent tumultuous times of my life, I have been able to stand strong, and fight my way through. I am not saying that I have not had my weak moments, or have not cried or stretched myself too thin. I have done all those things. But I know that in the end, I am stronger than I was. I am not the easily swayed, accepting pacifist anymore. I guess I can thank Andy for that. He was always agressive and unafraid to speak his mind. This was one of his best and worst qualities. Hopefully I only retained the good side of that.

And the best part is, I am not a pushover anymore. If I want to stay at home and have a night to myself, I take it. But, most of the time, I am ready to go spend time with friends and family. I love, LOVE going out and being social with my friends, and that was one of my biggest complaints in my marriage. I wanted to go out, and spend time with people, laugh, and strengthen my bonds with other human beings. You cannot do that with an xbox and a big screen. Life shouldn't be about material posessions, but rather about relationships and family and friends. I am really embracing this in my life and letting go of a lot of material wants. It's so exciting because I am seeing more and more how rich my life is with my friends and family. They are the people who will be by my side no matter what, and that is something material posession cannot give.

But in all seriousness....I feel that I am making steady and noticeable progress. I am almost done with school, and plan to continue on with grad school. I have a great job, and I feel that I am doing well. I also have a not so great job, but I am working through that. I spoke with my manager tonight on some issues and I feel that most of my concerns are being handled appropriately, and I am glad for that. Having someone actually hear me and what I was saying was a welcomed change. I am developing myself within my positions and really solidifying my skills so I can advance. And of course, that is a big deal. :)

So, all in all, just feeling better in general about things. I am realizing more and more what I want, and finding ways to achieve. I am not taking a backseat in my life anymore. I am putting myself and my goals first, and that is what will ultimately lead to my success.

Financial Diet

So, I had a Sales Training on Thursday at ECCU. Besides the fact that it began at 8am, I enjoyed it. Some of it was repetitve, and some was common sense, but the session was helpful. I got to learn more about the different savings accounts that ECCU has to offer and also heard personal stories from co-workers and their financial habits. These stories intrigued me. Though I have always been interested in saving money and being fiscally responsible, it never quite came to fruition. So, while I am physically dieting, I decided that I am also going on a financial diet.

This financial makeover of mine has me really excited. I've been through the ringer as far as financial instability. I know that this is going to be a thing of the past. So today I opened up an s8 and a s9 Club account. I also filled out an automatic payroll deduction form so that each paycheck will distribute between the four accounts I hold. Of course the remainder goes into my s4. It may not seem like much but I know it will add up over time. I am also planning on opening an IRA next month, so I can start that as well (My first reaction to the IRA when in training was, "Isn't that for OLD PEOPLE???" Haha..the trainer thought that was funny).

Sounds silly that I am typing all of this, but I want to lay a strong foundation for my future, and writing it all down makes sense. It's something I have needed to do for a while. I think that now, with all of the changes coming up, I have gotten to a point of understanding what needs to happen. It's an amazing feeling to have a plan and a way to succeed.

So anyway. Now after saying all that, I am going to go blow all those plans and have a fun weekend in Chicago :P Hehe. Okay, I have budgeted for this trip for several weeks now so I'll be okay :P I am so excited! I love the city and love the buildings, the people, the shopping, the food, the nightlife, the Cubs :) It's all just perfect. And that is even better when you go with amazing friends!! :D

Well..I am going to run errands and take care of some business before tomorrow. I have to pack, go to the post, Meijer for a few grocery items, and then I am hitting the gym for my nightly cardio. Carpe Diem, my friends.

You wanna know what your problem is?

Sure. Enlighten me. What is my problem? That I am fat? That I am divorced? That I messed up? That I don't fit the norm? That I secretly want to be normal? That I sometimes wish I wouldn't have gotten married? That I drink juice right out of the container and don't use a cup? That I don't always tell the truth? That I leave a hairtie on the floor for 4 days and it eats you up inside? That I don't like doing dishes? That I don't see my family enough? That I eat too much, don't exercise enough, and am going to have health issues in my life? Thanks. I know. For lack of better terminology, fuck off.

I know what is wrong with me. My long list of imperfections grows by the day. I know a lot of things that I should and should not do, but I let myself fall into old pattern. See the thing about me is, I hate change. I hate it. It's in my nature. It is even in my astrological sign. It's not that I don't adjust well, it's the initial step and the moving into the different direction which I hastily oppose.

'But Sara...you got married, and you packed up your whole life and moved to South Dakota.' Yeah, I admit that. I guess if you are gonna change something, go big. I had reasons higher than myself and my resistance to change that took me there. But that is over now. I put myself over the flame, and I got burned. Burned by life, and burned by what I thought was a lasting love. Guess I don't really know what love is. You're right, mom.

Back to my point. Change is not on my list of to-do's. Therefore, changing my daily patterns (or lack thereof) is more difficult for me than most people, I think. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am just stating a fact. My challenge, as it be, is to get past that initial bump. That push into routine, and into repetition. I can't just go workout one day and eat well, and then have pizza and get drunk the next night. And I am in college.....that is no easy task. Especially when I drink at least 2 days a week. It's a social activity...a way to unite with friends and share a common bond and understanding of eachother. Whether we drink to lost love, or to friends, or even to Blanche from the Golden Girls (yes, we did....) it's a certain feeling of commradery I yearn for.

But I can't interfere with my life goals. Most importantly, I want to lose weight. I have been realizing more and more that I have to. And I know, I know. Everytime I get myself all set to exercise and be healthy, I mess up and quit two weeks into it. Not this time. I am finally starting to get that I am not going to do this overnight. I want to be healthy. I want to run a 5k by November. It's a goal, and I want to achieve it. I need to set smaller goals, and not look one year down the road. I have been doing that everytime I start myself up on a diet, and I can't think of Sara at 140lbs. I have to see smaller goals or I will give up when 140lb Sara isn't here by next month. I know she is in there,and I am so excited to see what she looks like again. I may not get to see her for a year, or a couple of years, but I want her to come out. Because she is the one who is going to be happy, and comfortable in her own skin.

So....I went and did some brisk treadmill walking for about 25 minutes tonight. It's a start. It's not my usual 45 minute eliptical circuit that burns me out. I'm going to succeed, one brisk step at a time.

Life

So my life has been ever changing the last 3 months! So I want to write about it for a while :)

Andy and I decided that it was best to go our seperate ways back in March. It has been extremely difficult, but I think that the worst is behind me. I am looking forward into the future and the new opportunities and adventure that await me. Who knows what will come my way!

I also have finished my 4th year of college. I thought I would be done by now, but because of circumstances beyond my control (i.e, swtiching majors and moving to and then back home from South Dakota), I will be graduating in Spring 2011 (fingers crossed). I'm majoring in Marketing, and double minoring in Spanish and Economics. I am still kind of debating the spanish. I love the language, and I want to learn more and travel, but the classes don't fit my schedule at all. And I can still learn on my own, without taking formal, expensive classes, right? No one dictated that I learn spanish at Western ...just have to keep telling myself that.

I've also been blessed to find this job at ECCU. I love it there. I work full time over on Gull Road for now, and during school, only part time 3 days a week. It really could not have worked out more perfectly for me as far as classes go (Except spanish of course). So that is good. I also have some great coworkers, and they make my days a lot easier, especially being a new teller without any financial institution background. I am doing quite well though, if I do say so myself. :)

So now, I am just doing me. It's been an adventure thus far. Making lots of chnges in life, personal and physical. I've been really working at being healthy and working out consistently. I know I am feeling better already, so I am excited to see where that takes me. I have also felt different in the last few weeks of being officially divorced (May 18th was the finalization). It feels weird, definitely, to go from being married for 2 1/2 years to being single again. It's the whole square one thing that is kind of depressing. But, at least I am young. At least that is what everyone keeps telling me. *sigh* I know I am young, but I didn't really want to go through the hassle of dating, and falling in love all over again. I just have to keep telling myself that things fall apart so better things can fall together. I will always remember him, though. I have been trying to muster the courage to get rid of all our old letters and cards and to delete the massive email accumulations over the deployment and other, rough times....but I can't. Not just yet. I've re-read them several times in my sadness and mourning of the relationship...but I always get sentimental when I try to toss them out. Kyle told me he is going to make me burn them. Maybe I should. But not yet.

Well...that is about all for now. I have to balance my shift, finish my night stuff here at the hotel and get home for some ZzZzZz's. Gull Road ECCU is notorious for pandemonium on the '3rd of the months,' and tomorrow will be my first experience. So I have to get some rest to be geared up for that.

Goodnight.

Coming back to Blogger

Well I have to say that I haven't been on blogger since my days at Western, and my honors 1100 course about Middle Eastern Literary Interpretation. But, a good friend of mine has inspired me to come back and blog once more, and on my own time....not for a class. It was fun, so why not? Good way to channel my thoughts and stuff going on in my life.

Gracias Marcus. :)

Well I am studying for an exam so I can't write more now, but I will definitely be getting on here more often.

-Sara