You wanna know what your problem is?

Sure. Enlighten me. What is my problem? That I am fat? That I am divorced? That I messed up? That I don't fit the norm? That I secretly want to be normal? That I sometimes wish I wouldn't have gotten married? That I drink juice right out of the container and don't use a cup? That I don't always tell the truth? That I leave a hairtie on the floor for 4 days and it eats you up inside? That I don't like doing dishes? That I don't see my family enough? That I eat too much, don't exercise enough, and am going to have health issues in my life? Thanks. I know. For lack of better terminology, fuck off.

I know what is wrong with me. My long list of imperfections grows by the day. I know a lot of things that I should and should not do, but I let myself fall into old pattern. See the thing about me is, I hate change. I hate it. It's in my nature. It is even in my astrological sign. It's not that I don't adjust well, it's the initial step and the moving into the different direction which I hastily oppose.

'But Sara...you got married, and you packed up your whole life and moved to South Dakota.' Yeah, I admit that. I guess if you are gonna change something, go big. I had reasons higher than myself and my resistance to change that took me there. But that is over now. I put myself over the flame, and I got burned. Burned by life, and burned by what I thought was a lasting love. Guess I don't really know what love is. You're right, mom.

Back to my point. Change is not on my list of to-do's. Therefore, changing my daily patterns (or lack thereof) is more difficult for me than most people, I think. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am just stating a fact. My challenge, as it be, is to get past that initial bump. That push into routine, and into repetition. I can't just go workout one day and eat well, and then have pizza and get drunk the next night. And I am in college.....that is no easy task. Especially when I drink at least 2 days a week. It's a social activity...a way to unite with friends and share a common bond and understanding of eachother. Whether we drink to lost love, or to friends, or even to Blanche from the Golden Girls (yes, we did....) it's a certain feeling of commradery I yearn for.

But I can't interfere with my life goals. Most importantly, I want to lose weight. I have been realizing more and more that I have to. And I know, I know. Everytime I get myself all set to exercise and be healthy, I mess up and quit two weeks into it. Not this time. I am finally starting to get that I am not going to do this overnight. I want to be healthy. I want to run a 5k by November. It's a goal, and I want to achieve it. I need to set smaller goals, and not look one year down the road. I have been doing that everytime I start myself up on a diet, and I can't think of Sara at 140lbs. I have to see smaller goals or I will give up when 140lb Sara isn't here by next month. I know she is in there,and I am so excited to see what she looks like again. I may not get to see her for a year, or a couple of years, but I want her to come out. Because she is the one who is going to be happy, and comfortable in her own skin.

So....I went and did some brisk treadmill walking for about 25 minutes tonight. It's a start. It's not my usual 45 minute eliptical circuit that burns me out. I'm going to succeed, one brisk step at a time.